But it can't be true. I mean it wasn't true with Miley Cyrus, was it? How could the 16-year-old star of Nickelodeon's squeaky-clean "Zoey 101" be knocked up? How could little Jamie Lynn Spears be trumping big sis Brit in tabloid cover-story potential? And - much more importantly - how on Earth am I going to explain Zoey's gestational state to my 5-year-old daughter, the self-proclaimed "predisent" of her fan club?
"Media is everywhere and it is a super-peer; it's raising your kids as much as you are," says Liz Perle, editor in chief of Common Sense Media. "It normalizes situations like this and makes it acceptable. ... Our children are introduced to things way too early, but it's up to us as parents to seize hold of the situation."
Still, from a parental standpoint, the pregnancy of Nickelodeon's darling seems more poignant, more threatening than your run-of-the-mill star scandal. And it is. Because it forces us to have "the big talk" with our kids whether or not we deem them (or ourselves) ready.
"Thank you, Jamie Lynn," says Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a clinical psychologist on the faculty of Columbia University Teachers College. "You have ruined the innocence of lots of kids and mothers who would rather not talk about this.
"But," Kuriansky continues, "if you don't talk about it, you're in even worse shape." And she's right, because whether or not we've ever even heard of 'tween goddess Jamie Lynn Spears, you can bet that our kids have. And so have all their friends on the playground who are passing this story around like a bad case of the flu.
In other words, while it may be tempting to respond to our Zoey-inspired crisis by making Jamie/Britney/Mama Spears voodoo dolls, such savage measures will not help our situation. Instead we must embrace the silver lining of Jamie Lynn's cloud: a classic teachable moment. Here are some tips toward navigating the (virtually inevitable) "Zoey conversation" that lies ahead with your kids:
Test the waters. OK, so the New York Times reported that Star Magazine and its sister tabloids have replaced The Baby-sitters Club books in the favorite 'tween literature category. But the outside chance remains that your child has not heard about "Zoey 101's" latest adventures. Begin your conversation therefore, by asking your child what she knows about Jamie Lynn Spears. If you're confident she's oblivious, quickly change the subject to more childlike fare.
Open the floor for questions. Should you determine that your kid is clued into the fact that Spears is with child, don't jump in with a prepackaged, premeditated lecture. Instead let your child's questions guide your conversation. This will help you avoid spilling more info than necessary while keeping the discussion age-appropriate.
State the facts. As your child starts dishing out doozies, remain cool while answering the questions as honestly, factually and succinctly as possible. "Yes, it is true that Jamie Lynn is pregnant. The baby is due in the spring. I don't know if she will still be on 'Zoey 101.'"
Don't dance around the big ones. I know what you're thinking, "But what happens when my child asks me how a kid like Zoey could get pregnant in the first place?!" Of course, our knee-jerk reaction will be to run for cover at the first sign of this dreaded question, but we've already established that avoidance is not a viable option.
If you feel comfortable tackling this one on your own, go for it. If not, turn to the library for assistance. "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle and "What's the Big Secret: Talking About Sex with Boys and Girls" by Laurie Kransy and Marc Brown (of "Arthur" fame) are both great resources.
Reclaim the helm. While we've allowed our children's questions to shape our conversation up to this point, it's time to take back the helm. After all, in this age of the media-saturated childhood, our kids' value systems feel up for grabs, and we can't go down without a fight.
In other words don't end your Zoey chat without some heavy-duty l'dor v'dor - the passing of our values from one generation to the next. So turn off the TV and look your children right in the eye as you clearly communicate the hopes, dreams and expectations you hold - and will always hold - for their present and future.
