Pitfalls of the Modern Playdate

My kids have been out of school for 10 days now (I'm sure yours have too!)and we've had more playdates than I can count. And while it warms my heart to see my children bonding with their buddies, I also find something rather bizarre about the advent of the modern playdate. Which is why I've pulled up one of my favorite "best of" columns to start off the new year. Here it is...

Pitfalls of the Modern Playdate

By Sharon Duke Estroff

Brandon was 3 the first time another mother called me to schedule a playdate. “A playdate,” I giggled, “That’s so clever! Did you make that up yourself?” (The dead silence on the other end of the phone clued me in that I had just made a monumental maternal faux-pas that could potentially rival my last monumental maternal-faux pas of offering up a bag of artificially colored/flavored Cheetos – rather than the au natural variety – to my son’s playgroup.) The other mother suddenly had a dire emergency and promised to call back. She didn’t.
Determined to spare myself future mortification, I began reading up on the ins and outs of playdates; rapidly surmising they entailed a considerable amount of parental involvement. One article, for example, entitled “Plan the Perfect Playdate” suggested I orchestrate a caterpillar cookie recipe that would have given Wolfgang Puck a run for his money. And honestly do people really have potato sack races anymore?
Four kids and many magazine articles later, I now feel I am a virtual authority in the field of playdates. And considering Merriam-Webster has yet to add this modern mommy term to the official lexicon, I’ve taken it upon myself to write a definition.

play-date (n): 1. adult-supervised, adult-directed “free play” between kids. 2. an organized method of fitting socializing into a kid’s hectic agenda. 3. a means of improving a child’s social status and heightening his popularity. 4. the culminating step in the over-scheduling of kids’ lives by over-protective, stressed-out parents.

Despite the societal clout of playdates, many experts fear these contemporary kiddie rendezvous can be stagnating for older children who are developmentally prepared to be more independent. The following defining features are largely to blame:
The Playdate Scheduling Feature -When we were kids, our social plans were arranged with a “Hey, you wanna come over?” on the school bus ride home. Today’s playdates, in stark contrast, are planned weeks in advance and entered indelibly into parental palm pilots.
The Problem with the Scheduling Feature: Since kids’ friendships can change with the tides, a playdate planned six weeks in advance offers no guarantee that the playees will even be speaking by the designated moment of contact. Furthermore, due to vast parental involvement, playdates exude a comprehensive list of adult-driven etiquette rules that weren’t even on the radar screen when kids were running the show. If someone invites our child for a playdate, for example, mommy protocol suggests we reciprocate within a reasonable period of time. If, perchance, the other mother invites our child back prior to reasonable reciprocation, we must profusely apologize and promise to have her kid over two times in a row next time.

The Adult-Supervision Feature - When we were young, unsupervised play was the norm. We’d hop from one backyard to the next (before the evolution of the cul-de-sac) and stay out until our moms called us in for dinner. Today, parents are expected to continuously supervise their children’s social gatherings (and supply a long-range Walkie-talkie in the event they have to run in to check on dinner).
The Problem with the Adult-Supervision Feature - From a safety standpoint, parental vigilance is perfectly appropriate. After all, awful, unthinkable things can happen to children when they are out of a parent’s vision and earshot (and the media makes sure we don’t forget it!). There is however a fine line (especially with older children) between being cautious and being overprotective and smothering. Our kids are growing up in a nervous world as it is, our refusal to leave their side (when they are old enough for us to do so) sends a neon message that we, their knowledgeable parents, genuinely believe our absence will jeopardize their safety - an unsettling message indeed for children just getting their feet wet in the waters of independence.
The Organized Activity Feature - In the old days, If we and our friend grew tired of hopping on our pogo sticks, someone would say something profound like “This is boring, let’s do something else.” We’d bounce around ideas like climbing a tree or watching the Flintstones, and move on to a new activity. During the modern playdate, on the other hand, the host parent is the designated boredom buster. Kids (and other parents) expect us to provide playdaters with one organized option after another, and have an arsenal of dehydration-preventing juice boxes are on hand, to boot.
The Problem with the Organized Activity Feature – Having every moment of a playdate planned and accounted for from bubble blowing to Batman action figure time, deprives children of the opportunity engage in free creative play and learn to occupy themselves independently. Plus it reaffirms the erroneous belief that it is a parent’s job to provide kids with round the clock entertainment.

So what can we modern parents do to counteract these playdate pifalls without making social pariahs out of ourselves? We can begin by throwing in the towel on the Julie the Loveboat Cruise Director persona (orchestrating limbo contests and shuffleboard competitions) and make like Captain Stubing, instead (controlling the ship from a comfortable distance). In other words, our role as big kid playdate hostess is to provide a safe and pleasant playing environment, adequate (as opposed to constant) supervision, and, oh yea, dehydration preventing juice boxes.

Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally-syndicated parenting columnist and author of CAN I HAVE A CELL PHONE FOR HANUKKAH? (Broadway Books, 2007). Her years as a classroom teacher and four school-age children give her an endless flow of material. www.sharonestroff.com and http://21stcenturykids.blogspot.com/

When Zoey 101 Becomes Zoey 102

But it can't be true. I mean it wasn't true with Miley Cyrus, was it? How could the 16-year-old star of Nickelodeon's squeaky-clean "Zoey 101" be knocked up? How could little Jamie Lynn Spears be trumping big sis Brit in tabloid cover-story potential? And - much more importantly - how on Earth am I going to explain Zoey's gestational state to my 5-year-old daughter, the self-proclaimed "predisent" of her fan club?

"Media is everywhere and it is a super-peer; it's raising your kids as much as you are," says Liz Perle, editor in chief of Common Sense Media. "It normalizes situations like this and makes it acceptable. ... Our children are introduced to things way too early, but it's up to us as parents to seize hold of the situation."

Still, from a parental standpoint, the pregnancy of Nickelodeon's darling seems more poignant, more threatening than your run-of-the-mill star scandal. And it is. Because it forces us to have "the big talk" with our kids whether or not we deem them (or ourselves) ready.

"Thank you, Jamie Lynn," says Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a clinical psychologist on the faculty of Columbia University Teachers College. "You have ruined the innocence of lots of kids and mothers who would rather not talk about this.

"But," Kuriansky continues, "if you don't talk about it, you're in even worse shape." And she's right, because whether or not we've ever even heard of 'tween goddess Jamie Lynn Spears, you can bet that our kids have. And so have all their friends on the playground who are passing this story around like a bad case of the flu.

In other words, while it may be tempting to respond to our Zoey-inspired crisis by making Jamie/Britney/Mama Spears voodoo dolls, such savage measures will not help our situation. Instead we must embrace the silver lining of Jamie Lynn's cloud: a classic teachable moment. Here are some tips toward navigating the (virtually inevitable) "Zoey conversation" that lies ahead with your kids:

Test the waters. OK, so the New York Times reported that Star Magazine and its sister tabloids have replaced The Baby-sitters Club books in the favorite 'tween literature category. But the outside chance remains that your child has not heard about "Zoey 101's" latest adventures. Begin your conversation therefore, by asking your child what she knows about Jamie Lynn Spears. If you're confident she's oblivious, quickly change the subject to more childlike fare.


Open the floor for questions. Should you determine that your kid is clued into the fact that Spears is with child, don't jump in with a prepackaged, premeditated lecture. Instead let your child's questions guide your conversation. This will help you avoid spilling more info than necessary while keeping the discussion age-appropriate.


State the facts. As your child starts dishing out doozies, remain cool while answering the questions as honestly, factually and succinctly as possible. "Yes, it is true that Jamie Lynn is pregnant. The baby is due in the spring. I don't know if she will still be on 'Zoey 101.'"


Don't dance around the big ones. I know what you're thinking, "But what happens when my child asks me how a kid like Zoey could get pregnant in the first place?!" Of course, our knee-jerk reaction will be to run for cover at the first sign of this dreaded question, but we've already established that avoidance is not a viable option.

If you feel comfortable tackling this one on your own, go for it. If not, turn to the library for assistance. "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle and "What's the Big Secret: Talking About Sex with Boys and Girls" by Laurie Kransy and Marc Brown (of "Arthur" fame) are both great resources.


Reclaim the helm. While we've allowed our children's questions to shape our conversation up to this point, it's time to take back the helm. After all, in this age of the media-saturated childhood, our kids' value systems feel up for grabs, and we can't go down without a fight.

In other words don't end your Zoey chat without some heavy-duty l'dor v'dor - the passing of our values from one generation to the next. So turn off the TV and look your children right in the eye as you clearly communicate the hopes, dreams and expectations you hold - and will always hold - for their present and future.

Radio Hanukkah December 12th

Well, I am happy to tell you that I will be making my XM radio debut tomorrow night on Radio Hanukkah's Blowing Out the Candles program. And what a great topic we have in store for you - How to navigate the Christmas frenzy that lay ahead. Tune in tomorrow night from 9:40 pm to 10:00 pm (What do you mean that's past your bedtime?!). If you don't have an XM Radio, don't fret because you can tune in online at http://www.xmradio.com/hanukkah/
Be there or be square!

Happy Hanukkah!

This morning my kids were being surprisingly cooperative. What gives? I wondered. Were my children abducted by aliens and replaced with amazingly obedient versions of their former selves? No, I realized fifteen minutes into my behaviorally blissful morning, it's the Hanukkah effect. Tonight is the first night of the big eight and my kids aren't going to risk anything getting between them and their gelt.

And a surprisingly smooth morning routine isn't the only nice surprise I've received this Hanukkah. I've also gotten some great press for my book in the national media. First was Ari Goldman's column in the New York Daily News which called Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah "a gem of a new book". He went on to explain my suggestions for eight nights of Hanukkah rituals. Check it out at
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/columnists/goldman/index.html
Next came a great article in USA Today called "Unwrapping the Spirit of Hanukkah" which also mentions my book. You can find that one at
http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2007-12-03-tzedakah_N.htm

Wishing you a Hanukkah spinning with fun, family and love.

A Break Between Book Festivals

Okay, so I've been a bit out of touch here. But that's only because I've been globe trotting! I've been to so many amazing book festivals in the past weeks and will be going to so many more. Still I must say, the best part has been meeting so many hip Jewish moms and dads.
Here are some photos from my book launch party!
http://www.juleponline.us/scene-1107.php

Bob the Sukkah Builder

Who knew temporary hut building could be so challenging? I mean all you need are a couple of two by fours and some spare schach, right? In theory, perhaps but my family was up until the wee hours last night in Bob/Bobbie the Sukkah Builder mode and I'm still not convinced we have anything to show for it. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and we still have 36 good hours before the holiday kicks off officially. Okay make that 35. In other words as soon as dishes and homework have been cleared from the table tonight we'll be right back at it - hammer in one hand, plastic fruit decorations and paper chains in the other - getting that Sukkah off the ground and into an upright and temporarily sturdy position by sundown on September 26.

Find out all you need to know about building a sukkah - and lasting family memories - in my article in the World Jewish Digest this month, "A Post Pentinence Party"
http://www.worldjewishdigest.com/ME2/dirmod.asp?sid=&nm=&type=Publishing&mod=Publications%3A%3AArticle&mid=8F3A7027421841978F18BE895F87F791&tier=4&id=BEC1AF3CD4364543822064FEF3C62598

High Holiday Hustle

It's a good thing I took a shower this morning before running to Costco to do my Rosh Hashanah shopping because I saw just about everybody I know there - doing exactly the same thing! Our shopping carts looked like a sea of Fuji Apples and Sue Bee Honey Jugs. (Okay, so maybe my cart had a pair of Kirkland Uggs thrown into the mix, but I don't want a repeat of last year when all they had left was that crazy cornflower blue color, do I?)

Here's a widely syndicated column of mine, that I wrote a couple of years ago following an equally whirlwind trip to Costco.

Show Them the Honey!

The High Holiday Hustle, we know the steps well. It starts with a tireless trek to the mall in search of that stylish synagogue suit. Next comes the culinary juggling act, simultaneously preparing Aunt Sophie’s Tzimmes, Bubbe’s Killer Kugel and a 22 pound turkey, dressed and trimmed. The last step is grooming an entire family and shuffling the whole gang out the door and into the synagogue in under an hour. The entire dance sequence (minus the shopping) is generally repeated the following day.

Scrambling through the better part of September, it’s easy to forget that the true meaning of the High Holiday season can’t be found in Nordstrom’s or Bloomingdale’s or Aunt Sophie’s tzimmes, but in appreciating and giving thanks for life’s sweetest blessings. So steal a few moments from the holiday hoopla to remind the true apples of your eye just how delicious they are. Even the simplest acts can send children a message as loud and clear as the shofar that they’re loved and cherished. The following sweet suggestions will help you show your kids the honey this Rosh Hashanah and every other day of the brand new year.

Rosh Hashanah Honey for Kids:
Take them to a paint-it-yourself ceramic shop and decorate Kiddush cups, apple plates or honey bowls together.

Leave Hershey Kisses on their pillows on Erev Rosh Hashanah along with a note wishing them a sweet New Year.

Celebrate the birthday of the world with a family nature hike.

Give the world a birthday present by planting a tree together.

Have a honey cake baking party.

Let them design the Rosh Hashanah table cloth and challah cover using fabric crayons or markers.

Make a Rosh Hashanah maze by giving kids clues that lead them to different places in your home (ex: Go to the place where you rest your rosh (head) every night). Have a new clue waiting at each stop and a bag of sweet holiday treats at the final destination.

Take a family excursion to an apple picking orchard.

Bake a round challah together.

Log onto http://www.torahtots.com/ and http://www.babaganewz.com/ where little “techies” can find fun Rosh Hashanah games and activities.

Have a taschlich ceremony by a lake or river so kids can cast their sins away and start out the year with a fresh, clean slate.

Turn an apple on its side and cut it in half to reveal a star in the middle. Dip the fruit in washable paint and let your little stars stamp away.

Steal some time to read a High Holiday picture book together (even if they complain that they’re way too old to listen to a story!). Some noteworthy choices are Gershon’s Monster: A Tale for the Jewish New Year by Eric Kimmel; The World’s Birthday by Barbara Diamond Goldin; Sophie and the Shofar by Fran Manushkin and How the Rosh Hashanah Challah Became Round by Sylvia Epstein.

Year-Round Sweet Stuff for Kids:
Flip through photo albums and baby books and tell them stories about when they were little.

Have lunch with them at school (note: disregard in case of pre-adolescence).

Have a campout in the living room. Roast marshmallows over candles and tell ghost stories by flashlight.

Give them a coupon that they can redeem for something priceless like going to a movie with Mom or a ballgame with Dad.

Plan a family game night once a week. TV’s, cell phones and computers not invited.

Have an unbirthday party – complete with a cake - for everyone in the family who does not have a birthday that day.

Take them on a “mystery trip” to a place you rarely go, like an amusement park, sporting event or children’s museum.

Proudly display their finest schoolwork.

Transform your family room into a movie theatre, complete with tickets and popcorn.

Send them comic books, baseball cards or other goodies in the mail.

Create a new family tradition like a weekly pizza-making night.

Do something completely out of character like starting a pillow fight.

Pack dinner up in a picnic basket and eat at the park.

Watch cartoons with them.

Make up a secret signal together for saying “I love you”. (Little ones will love being sneaky; older kids will be thankful to save face in public.)

Arrange with the teacher to read a book to their class.

Host special dinners to celebrate their everyday accomplishments like losing a tooth, scoring a soccer goal, or getting an A on a science test.

Slip a joke into their backpacks.

Ask them for advice about something they know well.

Tell them you love them (even if they roll their eyes when they hear it) every morning and every night.

L’Shana Tova to You and All Your Little Honeys!