This weekend marked an important milestone in my maternal career - I hosted my 5,000th playdate. Or should I say my kids' 5000th playdate? Either way, it seemed like a perfect excuse to send out this excerpt from Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah?
Pitfalls of the Modern Playdate
play-date (n): 1. adult-supervised, adult-directed "free play" between kids. 2. an organized method of fitting socializing into a kid's hectic agenda. 3. a means of improving a child's social status and heightening his popularity. 4. the culminating step in the over-scheduling of kids' lives by over-protective, stressed-out parents.
When I first started teaching, I couldn't fathom how an otherwise with-it mom could morph into a neurotic disaster at the sheer mention of her child's social life. I mean, I could have just wrapped up a thirty minute conference with Mrs. Xberg about Justin's math and reading woes without so much as a sniffle, only to watch her well up in tears and start fishing around in her purse for the tissues the moment we broached the issues of playdates.
What's the big deal? I used to think to myself. Can't Mrs. Xberg just tell Justin to go play with the kid down the street? But when my own son hit grade school, and I began agonizing over his social calendar, I alas had a glimmering. For I - the cool as a cucumber teacher - had inexplicably morphed into a maternal tossed salad.
At an especially low point, following a momentary glimpse of my shy first-grader hanging solo in the schoolyard, I managed to convince myself that if I didn't get on the playdate ball soon, my son would grow into an antisocial recluse living in a cabin in the woods whose only friends were raccoons.
Determined to spare my six-year-old this solitary fate, I willed myself to become the playdate hostess with the mostest and began stocking up on all available literature on the topic - A counter-productive strategy, I might add, at least from an anxiety standpoint.
One article, for example, entitled "Plan the Perfect Playdate" suggested I orchestrate a caterpillar cookie recipe that would have daunted Wolfgang Puck. And do people really have potato sack races anymore? Or stitch the participants' initials on burlap sacks before the big hop-off?
Despite the societal clout of playdates, they have their share of pitfalls, too. Largely thanks to a few defining features of these contemporary kiddie rendezvous:
The Playdate Scheduling Feature -When we were kids, our social plans were arranged with a "Hey, you wanna come over?" on the school bus ride home. Today's playdates, in stark contrast, are planned weeks in advance and entered indelibly into parental blackberries.
The Problem with the Scheduling Feature - Since kids' friendships can change with the tides, a playdate planned six weeks in advance offers no guarantee that the playees will even be speaking by the designated moment of contact. Furthermore, due to vast parental involvement, playdates exude a comprehensive list of adult-driven etiquette rules that weren't even on the radar screen when kids were running the show. If someone invites our child for a playdate, for example, mommy protocol suggests we reciprocate within a reasonable period of time. If, perchance, the other mother invites our child back prior to reasonable reciprocation, we must profusely apologize and promise to have her kid over two times in a row next time.
The Adult-Supervision Feature - When we were young, unsupervised play was the norm. We'd hop from one backyard to the next (before the evolution of the cul-de-sac) and stay out until our moms called us in for dinner. Today, parents are expected to continuously supervise their children's social gatherings (and supply a long-range Walkie-talkie in the event they have to run in to check on dinner).
The Problem with the Adult-Supervision Feature - From a safety standpoint, parental vigilance is perfectly appropriate. There is however a fine line (especially with older children) between being cautious and being overprotective and smothering. Our kids are growing up in a nervous world as it is, our refusal to leave their side (when they are old enough for us to do so) sends a neon message that we, their knowledgeable parents, genuinely believe our absence will jeopardize their safety - an unsettling message indeed for children just getting their feet wet in the waters of independence.
The Organized Activity Feature - In the old days, If we and our friend grew tired of hopping on our pogo sticks, someone would say something profound like "This is boring, let's do something else." We'd bounce around ideas like climbing a tree or watching the Flintstones, and move on to a new activity. During the modern playdate, on the other hand, the host parent is the designated boredom buster. Kids (and other parents) expect us to provide playdaters with one organized option after another, and have an arsenal of dehydration-preventing juice boxes are on hand, to boot.
The Problem with the Organized Activity Feature - Having every moment of a playdate planned and accounted for from bubble blowing to Batman action figure time, deprives children of the opportunity engage in free creative play and learn to occupy themselves independently. Plus it reaffirms the erroneous belief that it is a parent's job to provide kids with round the clock entertainment.
So what can we modern parents do to counteract these playdate pifalls without making social pariahs out of ourselves? We can begin by throwing in the towel on the Julie the Loveboat Cruise Director persona (orchestrating limbo contests and shuffleboard competitions) and make like Captain Stubing, instead (controlling the ship from a comfortable distance). In other words, our role as playdate hostess is to provide a safe and pleasant playing environment, adequate (as opposed to constant) supervision, and, oh yeah, dehydration preventing juice boxes.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The ABC's of Parent-Teacher Conferences
Sharon Duke Estroff
From the teacher’s perspective, parent-teacher conferences represent a revolving door of anxious moms and dads. From the parent’s perspective it’s our big chance to find out everything we need to know about our child’s school existence! Here’s how to make the most of your kid’s fifteen minutes in the spotlight.
Arrive on time. There’s no such thing as being fashionably late to a parent-teacher conference. Even a five minute delay on a parent’s part can throw off a teacher’s carefully synchronized schedule for the rest of the evening. If you are late due to unforeseen circumstances, cut your losses by offering to finish up your chat via phone call later.
Open the meeting on a positive note. Your bulletin boards look great. I really enjoyed the writing piece Jake brought home from school today. This will help set an amiable tone for the rest of the conference.
If – or should I say when – the teacher brings up concerns (conferences rarely comprise a teacher soliloquy singing a student’s praises), don’t feel like you’re the only parent in the classroom whose kid has an issue. The truth is that every child has a shtick of some sort. Some kids’ shticks just happen to be more obvious in a school setting.
If the teacher shares an observation regarding your child that differs from your take (i.e. Emily doesn’t seem to understand what she’s reading), ask for specific examples. If you still believe the teacher to be off base, don’t tell her she’s wrong. Say something to the effect of Emily often tells me about the books she’s reading at home. Perhaps she feels a bit more distracted or anxious at school. I know how busy you are, but would you mind doing a short one-on-one assessment of Emily’s reading comprehension whenever you get a chance?
If your child is experiencing a problem at school - academic, social or behavioral – it’s important to form an action plan. What is the teacher going to do on her end? What should you do on yours? Provide a quick recap to ensure everyone’s on the same page. Just so I’m clear Mrs. Smith, I’m going to buy a pack of flashcards today and start working with Daniel on his math facts at home. You are going to include him in small group math reinforcement opportunities at school. If he doesn’t show improvement by winter break, I am going to look into having him tutored. Did I forget anything? If your child’s difficulties are too complex to address in a short conference, don’t hesitate to request a separate meeting with the teacher and other school professionals to discuss the situation in depth.
When the teacher turns the floor over to you to share questions and concerns (which she most certainly will, but if she doesn’t jump in and take it anyway!), don’t waste time talking about issues that the teacher can’t change. (I can’t stand this math book!) Bring up issues that are within the teacher’s realm of control or at least repackage them so they can be. (Sam has a hard time understanding the instructions in the math book. I’d really appreciate it if you could take a moment to go over them when assigning homework pages.) This is also the time to fill in the teacher on anything going on at home that could impact your son or daughter in the classroom.
If you’re concerned your child is not being adequately challenged academically, it’s important to present your case tactfully. First and foremost, never play the “bored” card. (Hannah keeps complaining that school is boring. Obviously the work is too easy for her.) Not only do teachers who work overtime planning exciting learning experiences for their students find such statements offensive; the reality is that kids can find school boring for a million different reasons. They may have attentional difficulties, learning problems or just want to go outside and play. Rather than focusing on the fact that your kid considers this teacher’s class to be snooze-city, say something like I noticed Hannah got all A’s in math this term. If you feel it would be appropriate, we’d love for her to have a few additional challenges in class.
Just prior to wrap-up time, the teacher will probably ask if you have any other questions. While a truthful answer would likely be Why, I do have a few zillion questions. Thanks for asking! A single inquiry is all that is socially appropriate at this point.
Don’t waste your final question on something inconsequential like, “When are the gift wrap orders due?” Make it a doozie with plenty of bang for your buck. My personal favorite: “Could you give me a general idea of where Alex falls academically in the context of the class?” Teachers have a relative understanding of our child, and a perspective of his place in the academic pack, that we parents don’t. It’s important for us to know the answer to this question, not from a competitive standpoint, but to help us understand our child as a learner.
Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the parent-teacher conference is a touchpoint - not an annual summit meeting. Our children’s teachers are among the most central and influential figures in our kids’ lives. It’s vital that we communicate with them regularly, effectively and respectfully.
Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally-syndicated parenting advice columnist and feature writer for hundreds of publications including Parents Magazine, Good Housekeeping,and Coastal Living. She is an award winning educator and author of Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah? (Broadway Books, 2007). www.sharonestroff.com
From the teacher’s perspective, parent-teacher conferences represent a revolving door of anxious moms and dads. From the parent’s perspective it’s our big chance to find out everything we need to know about our child’s school existence! Here’s how to make the most of your kid’s fifteen minutes in the spotlight.
Arrive on time. There’s no such thing as being fashionably late to a parent-teacher conference. Even a five minute delay on a parent’s part can throw off a teacher’s carefully synchronized schedule for the rest of the evening. If you are late due to unforeseen circumstances, cut your losses by offering to finish up your chat via phone call later.
Open the meeting on a positive note. Your bulletin boards look great. I really enjoyed the writing piece Jake brought home from school today. This will help set an amiable tone for the rest of the conference.
If – or should I say when – the teacher brings up concerns (conferences rarely comprise a teacher soliloquy singing a student’s praises), don’t feel like you’re the only parent in the classroom whose kid has an issue. The truth is that every child has a shtick of some sort. Some kids’ shticks just happen to be more obvious in a school setting.
If the teacher shares an observation regarding your child that differs from your take (i.e. Emily doesn’t seem to understand what she’s reading), ask for specific examples. If you still believe the teacher to be off base, don’t tell her she’s wrong. Say something to the effect of Emily often tells me about the books she’s reading at home. Perhaps she feels a bit more distracted or anxious at school. I know how busy you are, but would you mind doing a short one-on-one assessment of Emily’s reading comprehension whenever you get a chance?
If your child is experiencing a problem at school - academic, social or behavioral – it’s important to form an action plan. What is the teacher going to do on her end? What should you do on yours? Provide a quick recap to ensure everyone’s on the same page. Just so I’m clear Mrs. Smith, I’m going to buy a pack of flashcards today and start working with Daniel on his math facts at home. You are going to include him in small group math reinforcement opportunities at school. If he doesn’t show improvement by winter break, I am going to look into having him tutored. Did I forget anything? If your child’s difficulties are too complex to address in a short conference, don’t hesitate to request a separate meeting with the teacher and other school professionals to discuss the situation in depth.
When the teacher turns the floor over to you to share questions and concerns (which she most certainly will, but if she doesn’t jump in and take it anyway!), don’t waste time talking about issues that the teacher can’t change. (I can’t stand this math book!) Bring up issues that are within the teacher’s realm of control or at least repackage them so they can be. (Sam has a hard time understanding the instructions in the math book. I’d really appreciate it if you could take a moment to go over them when assigning homework pages.) This is also the time to fill in the teacher on anything going on at home that could impact your son or daughter in the classroom.
If you’re concerned your child is not being adequately challenged academically, it’s important to present your case tactfully. First and foremost, never play the “bored” card. (Hannah keeps complaining that school is boring. Obviously the work is too easy for her.) Not only do teachers who work overtime planning exciting learning experiences for their students find such statements offensive; the reality is that kids can find school boring for a million different reasons. They may have attentional difficulties, learning problems or just want to go outside and play. Rather than focusing on the fact that your kid considers this teacher’s class to be snooze-city, say something like I noticed Hannah got all A’s in math this term. If you feel it would be appropriate, we’d love for her to have a few additional challenges in class.
Just prior to wrap-up time, the teacher will probably ask if you have any other questions. While a truthful answer would likely be Why, I do have a few zillion questions. Thanks for asking! A single inquiry is all that is socially appropriate at this point.
Don’t waste your final question on something inconsequential like, “When are the gift wrap orders due?” Make it a doozie with plenty of bang for your buck. My personal favorite: “Could you give me a general idea of where Alex falls academically in the context of the class?” Teachers have a relative understanding of our child, and a perspective of his place in the academic pack, that we parents don’t. It’s important for us to know the answer to this question, not from a competitive standpoint, but to help us understand our child as a learner.
Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the parent-teacher conference is a touchpoint - not an annual summit meeting. Our children’s teachers are among the most central and influential figures in our kids’ lives. It’s vital that we communicate with them regularly, effectively and respectfully.
Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally-syndicated parenting advice columnist and feature writer for hundreds of publications including Parents Magazine, Good Housekeeping,and Coastal Living. She is an award winning educator and author of Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah? (Broadway Books, 2007). www.sharonestroff.com
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