From the teacher’s perspective, parent-teacher conferences represent a revolving door of anxious moms and dads. From the parent’s perspective it’s our big chance to find out everything we need to know about our child’s school existence! Here’s how to make the most of your kid’s fifteen minutes in the spotlight.
Arrive on time. There’s no such thing as being fashionably late to a parent-teacher conference. Even a five minute delay on a parent’s part can throw off a teacher’s carefully synchronized schedule for the rest of the evening. If you are late due to unforeseen circumstances, cut your losses by offering to finish up your chat via phone call later.
Open the meeting on a positive note. Your bulletin boards look great. I really enjoyed the writing piece Jake brought home from school today. This will help set an amiable tone for the rest of the conference.
If – or should I say when – the teacher brings up concerns (conferences rarely comprise a teacher soliloquy singing a student’s praises), don’t feel like you’re the only parent in the classroom whose kid has an issue. The truth is that every child has a shtick of some sort. Some kids’ shticks just happen to be more obvious in a school setting.
If the teacher shares an observation regarding your child that differs from your take (i.e. Emily doesn’t seem to understand what she’s reading), ask for specific examples. If you still believe the teacher to be off base, don’t tell her she’s wrong. Say something to the effect of Emily often tells me about the books she’s reading at home. Perhaps she feels a bit more distracted or anxious at school. I know how busy you are, but would you mind doing a short one-on-one assessment of Emily’s reading comprehension whenever you get a chance?
If your child is experiencing a problem at school - academic, social or behavioral – it’s important to form an action plan. What is the teacher going to do on her end? What should you do on yours? Provide a quick recap to ensure everyone’s on the same page. Just so I’m clear Mrs. Smith, I’m going to buy a pack of flashcards today and start working with Daniel on his math facts at home. You are going to include him in small group math reinforcement opportunities at school. If he doesn’t show improvement by winter break, I am going to look into having him tutored. Did I forget anything? If your child’s difficulties are too complex to address in a short conference, don’t hesitate to request a separate meeting with the teacher and other school professionals to discuss the situation in depth.
When the teacher turns the floor over to you to share questions and concerns (which she most certainly will, but if she doesn’t jump in and take it anyway!), don’t waste time talking about issues that the teacher can’t change. (I can’t stand this math book!) Bring up issues that are within the teacher’s realm of control or at least repackage them so they can be. (Sam has a hard time understanding the instructions in the math book. I’d really appreciate it if you could take a moment to go over them when assigning homework pages.) This is also the time to fill in the teacher on anything going on at home that could impact your son or daughter in the classroom.
If you’re concerned your child is not being adequately challenged academically, it’s important to present your case tactfully. First and foremost, never play the “bored” card. (Hannah keeps complaining that school is boring. Obviously the work is too easy for her.) Not only do teachers who work overtime planning exciting learning experiences for their students find such statements offensive; the reality is that kids can find school boring for a million different reasons. They may have attentional difficulties, learning problems or just want to go outside and play. Rather than focusing on the fact that your kid considers this teacher’s class to be snooze-city, say something like I noticed Hannah got all A’s in math this term. If you feel it would be appropriate, we’d love for her to have a few additional challenges in class.
Just prior to wrap-up time, the teacher will probably ask if you have any other questions. While a truthful answer would likely be Why, I do have a few zillion questions. Thanks for asking! A single inquiry is all that is socially appropriate at this point.
Don’t waste your final question on something inconsequential like, “When are the gift wrap orders due?” Make it a doozie with plenty of bang for your buck. My personal favorite: “Could you give me a general idea of where Alex falls academically in the context of the class?” Teachers have a relative understanding of our child, and a perspective of his place in the academic pack, that we parents don’t. It’s important for us to know the answer to this question, not from a competitive standpoint, but to help us understand our child as a learner.
Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the parent-teacher conference is a touchpoint - not an annual summit meeting. Our children’s teachers are among the most central and influential figures in our kids’ lives. It’s vital that we communicate with them regularly, effectively and respectfully.
Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally-syndicated parenting advice columnist and feature writer for hundreds of publications including Parents Magazine, Good Housekeeping,and Coastal Living. She is an award winning educator and author of Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah? (Broadway Books, 2007). www.sharonestroff.com
